Operation Éclair
by My Dearest Sally Sparrow
Summary: When Klaine breaks up, Facebook users hears all about it. When St. Hummel happens, Facebook hears about. And thus, New Directions and the Warblers team up to form Operation Éclair: save Kurt Hummel from the devil. T for language.


**I would ask that we all take a moment of silence for my unconscious, numb and probably dead fingers. RIP Fingers. You did well typing this shit up and bolding every other word.**

**Description: When Klaine breaks up, Facebook users hears all about it. When St. Hummel happens, Facebook hears about. And thus, New Directions and the Warblers team up to form Operation ****Éclair.**

**Also: other couples are Finchel, Quam, Bartie and Tike. Because I said so. So yeah. Just deal with it. There's not too much mentions of any couple without Kurt Hummel. ;)**

* * *

><p><strong>Kurt Hummel<strong> is single.

**Mercedes Jones**: WHAT. I'll be in your house in five. I WANT DEETS MISTER.

**Rachel Berry**: Me too! Do I need to bring my Cats DVD along with Sound of Music, Phantom, Miss Saigon, etc?

**Kurt Hummel**: …yeah.

**Mercedes Jones**: Shit, this is serious.

**Rachel Berry**: I mean honestly. He's been in my face about Andrew Lloyd Weber for years (minus Evita of course), when clearly I know talent when I see it and Weber was phenomenal.

**Finn Hudson**: Guys, can you stop talking about Andrew whoever, please? Kurt's stress baked five batches of cookies and is working on a three-layered cake. Not that I'm complaining or anything…

**Quinn Fabray**: Finn Hudson, don't you dare take pleasure in your brother's suffering!

**Finn Hudson**: Yes ma'am.

**Brittany Pierce**: Kurtie pie? Are you sad?

**Kurt Hummel**: Yes Brittany. I am very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very sad.

**Brittany Pierce**: You can have a threesome with Artie and me if you want. He's really good even though he can't move his legs. :D

**Artie Abrams**: Uh, I'm not so sure about the sex thing. But I'm here for you dude.

**Tina Cohen-Chang**: We all love you Kurt.

**Mike Chang**: Do we have permission to kick his ass?

**Sam Evans**: Yeah, bitch is going down!

**Wes Walker**: As the head council member of the Warblers, I forbid you to beat up our lead soloist. Even if he was being a moronic, brainless idiot.

**David Johnson**: Yeah, that's our job.

**Rachel Berry**: STOP SPYING ON US.

**David Johnson**: Geez woman. Chill out.

**Wes Walker**: We support both parties in this divorce.

**Mercedes Jones**: And since when in hell were they married?

**David Johnson**: They might as well have been.

**Wes Walker**: Literally, all Kurt and Blaine's making out made me even feel a little gay sometimes.

**Kurt Hummel**: DON'T SAY THE NAME.

**Noah "Puck" Puckerman**: Way to go douchebag.

**Wes Walker**: Sorry! But I didn't even technically say it…

**Kurt Hummel**: I DON'T CARE. IT HURTS LIKE A BITCH.

**Wes Walker**: I'm sorry!

**Lauren Zizies**: If it makes you feel any better, I always thought that guy was wearing too much gel and lacked a lot down low. If you know what I mean.

**Noah "Puck" Puckerman**: …I think I'm drooling…

**Santana Lopez**: Ew. Get a life Puckerman.

**Santana Lopez**: And oh yeah, sorry bout that Kurt. Just let me know if you ever want someone to bitch slap him to Mars.

**Kurt Hummel**: Thanks guys. I love you all.

**Brittany Pierce**: And I love you my little gay shark.

**Quinn Fabray**: Don't worry sweetie. If it's meant to be, he'll come to his senses.

**Kurt Hummel**: I hope so…

* * *

><p><strong>Rachel Berry<strong> to **David Johnson**: I know you and Wes are with the rest of us for Operation: Klaine… but we're still not letting you see our setlist.

**Wes Walker**: Since when did setlists ever come into this…?

**David Johnson**: No freaking clue.

**Rachel Berry**: Clearly, a major reason you two are so intent on helping us is because you were so intimidated by our outstanding performance at Sectionals, that you are desperate to result to cheating to find some way to win.

**Wes Walker**: Because it clearly can't be we're helping you repair our friends' relationship to repair our friends' relationship…

**Finn Hudson**, **Mercedes Jones** and 56 others like this.

**David Johnson**: Definitely not…

**Rachel Berry**: I knew it.

* * *

><p><strong>David Montgomery<strong> to **Kurt Hummel**: Your friend Rachel scares me.

**Santana Lopez** and 73 others like this.

**Rachel Berry**: Ha! I knew intimidation was the key to our victory!

**Wes Walker**: More like downright creepy…

* * *

><p><strong>Kurt Hummel<strong>: We could have had it all, rolling in the deep…

**Noah "Puck" Puckerman**: Man, Adele is hot.

**Kurt Hummel**: Way to ruin the moment, Neanderthal!

**Santana Lopez**: Yeah, shut up.

**Mercedes Jones**: Aw hell to the naw. You do not interrupt my boo's depression numbers. He is belting out this song right now and dammit he's crying.

**Kurt Hummel**: This is true.

**Brittany Pierce**: Save the dolphins, Puck.

**Quinn Fabray**: That's really rude Noah. Apologize.

**Noah "Puck" Puckerman**: What did I say?

**Quinn Fabray**: I SAID APOLOGIZE.

**Noah "Puck" Puckerman**: SORRY.

**Kurt Hummel**: Love you Quinn.

**Quinn Fabray**: Love you too, Kurt.

* * *

><p><strong>Rachel Berry<strong> to **Kurt Hummel**: I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I feel that you and I can relate now more than ever. After all, we've both had ridiculous boys toy with us only to ditch us and traumatize beyond belief. But I will teach you how to deal with the suffering and channel it into your singing so you will be like me.

**Kurt Hummel**: …that made me feel remarkably worse.

**Santana Lopez**: Way to go Berry. I applaud you. Not.

**Rachel Berry**: Excuse me for trying to connect on a higher level to a fellow performer and star. If Kurt followed my example, he would be back on his feet in no time.

**Kurt Hummel**: Wait, how is paradiing around in owl sweaters and throw hissy fits 24/7 going to make me feel better?

**Noah "Puck" Puckerman**,** Santana Lopez**, **Finn Hudson** and 78 others like this.

**Rachel Berry**: Finn, how could you?

**Finn Hudson**: It made me laugh. I like things that make me laugh.

**Kurt Hummel** likes this.

**Rachel Berry**: Well I want you to know that our relationship is soon to be through if you keep this up!

**Quinn Fabray**: You sure this isn't about your lingering feelings certain Jesse St. James?

**Rachel Berry**: NO.

**Hiram Berry**: Yes. Yes it is.

**Rachel Berry**: Daddy, no!

**Leroy Berry**: He's only telling the truth sweetie. Besides, you still have that lock of his hair in your room.

**Hiram Berry**: Also Kurt, we feel for you. From one homosexual to another: kick his ass.

**Kurt Hummel**: Thanks Mr. and Mr. Berry.

**Mercedes Jones**: Back to St. James. Rach, he was a jerk to you.

**Artie Abrams**: Yeah, he did egg you.

**Rachel Berry**: You all are ridiculous if you think I have any feelings for him!

**Brittany Pierce**: Admitting you have a problem is the first step.

**Finn Hudson**: Rachel, when are you going to get over Jessie?

**Jesse St. James**: It's actually spelled Jesse, thank you.

**Mercedes Jones**: WHAT DA FUCK.

**Finn Hudson**: Dude, leave!

**Mike Chang**: Before we make you.

**Rachel Berry**: My vocal talent is far superior to yours and cannot even come close to being near yours. Shoo.

**Brittany Pierce**: Woof woof! Grr!

**Santana Lopez**: Bitch, no one wants you here.

**Noah "Puck" Puckerman**: Man I'd love to kick your ass.

**Kurt Hummel**: Wait, I thought I had blocked my posts to friends only…

**Kurt Hummel**: St. James, why are we friends? When the hell were we ever friends?

**Jesse St. James**: I never had the heart to delete you after I left New Directions.

**Finn Hudson**: Someone tell me that he's not flirting with my brother.

**Quinn Fabray**: He is.

**Rachel Berry**: Have I dated two gay men now?

**Brittany Pierce**: The dolphins are everywhere…

* * *

><p><strong>Kurt Hummel<strong> to **Jesse St. James**: I feel obligated to talk to you now.

**Jesse St. James**: Do you want to meet up?

**Kurt Hummel**: Yeah, I'll go to your place.

**Jesse St. James**: How do you know where I live…?

**Kurt Hummel**: You'll never know.

**Noah "Puck" Puckerman** and 25 others like this.

* * *

><p><strong>Jesse St. James<strong>: I'd like to thank a certain **Kurt Hummel** for helping me out of Narnia. :)

**Noah "Puck" Puckerman**: I knew it.

**Artie Abrams**: Pay up Mike.

**Mike Chang**: Damn, he seemed so straight for a bit.

**Kurt Hummel**: No problem Jesse. And the rest of you guys hush.

**Brittany Pierce**: Did you see the talking unicorns when you were in Narnia?

**Jesse St. James**: Yes, I did. Oh, and before I forget, Aslan would like you to know that the beavers are quite satisfied with the dam you built them.

**Brittany Pierce**: Whoa. :O

* * *

><p><strong>Finn Hudson<strong>: If your girlfriend has already gone out with two gay guys, does that mean your next?

**Santana Lopez**: Yes. Yes it does.

**Finn Hudson**: Oh no…

**Brittany Pierce**: It must be the oil spill affecting you and the other dolphins :(

**Kurt Hummel**: Offensive.

**Finn Hudson**: Sorry bro…

**Kurt Hummel**: Hmph.

**Finn Hudson**: Wait, do I hear Jesse St. James in your bedroom?

**Santana Lopez** likes this.

**Kurt Hummel**: Shut. Up.

* * *

><p><strong>Jesse St. James<strong> to **Kurt Hummel**: So you wanna do something tonight?

**Kurt Hummel**: Why I would love to. ;)

**Kurt Hummel**: WAIT DON'T POST WHERE OR WHEN OR ELSE EVERYONE IN NEW DIRECTIONS WILL STALK US.

**Jesse St. James**: Already thought of that. I'm texting you now.

**Mercedes Jones**: Damn it Kurt! Stop ruining our stalking events!

**Finn Hudson**, **Artie Abrams** and 67 others like this.

Kurt Hummel: …I hate you all.

* * *

><p><strong>Kurt Hummel<strong> is now married to **Jesse St. James**.

**Mercedes Jone**s likes this.

**Rachel Berry**: If he uses you, I will not listen to Les Mis on repeat with you for hours on end.

**Jesse St. James**: Rachel, I know you had a lot of issues with me from our past. And I want you to know that I am truly sorry for dating you platonically. I never meant to hurt you in any way. I still terribly regret egging you in the parking lot. It was stupid, foolish, and cruel of me to taunt you in that way and yet I still did it. So not only to you but to all New Directions folks, understand this: I will not under any circumstances hurt Kurt intentionally. And if I do, you have full permission to beat me up.

**Burt Hummel**: Kurt, you can date him.

**Kurt Hummel**: DAD! SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE A FACEBOOK?

**Burt Hummel**: …it doesn't matter. But I give you two my somewhat blessing.

**Carole Hudson**: Oh, how lovely Kurt!

**Finn Hudson**: MOM?

**Carole Hudson**: Hi sweetie!

**Kurt Hummel**: Gaga help us…

* * *

><p><strong>Blaine Anderson<strong>: Who. Is. Jesse. St. James.

**Finn Hudson**: SATAN.

**Rachel Berry**, **Tina Cohen-Chang** and 90 others like this.

**David Montgomery**: Details, New Directions, I want details. I want to know his life story, where he lives, his favorite color, his social security number and most importantly WHY HE IS DATING KURT HUMMEL.

**Wes Walker**: I just want to strangle him.

**Noah "Puck" Puckerman** and 16 others like this.

**Rachel Berry**: He's my ex that left Vocal Adrenaline, joined ND, and then ditched us.

**Tina Cohen-Chang**: But not before egging her.

**Wes Walker**: And now all of a sudden he's… gay?

**Sam Evans**: Don't look at me dude. All I know is that I'm supposed to hate him.

**Mike Chang** and 22 others like this.

**David Montgomery**: Guys. We are not going to let Operation Éclair fail because of some Melchior wannabe with annoyingly perfect hair.

**Quinn Fabray**: Operation Éclair? Really?

**David Montgomery**: David's idea. Says it sounds like Klaine or something.

**Wes Walker**: It totally does! And it's French. Kurt and Blaine have French together.

**Blaine Anderson**: Where he ignores more than he ignores Disney Channel...

**Brittany Pierce**: Wait… won't Kurt be able to read this?

**Santana Lopez**: Shit guys. She actually has a point for once.

**Artie Abrams**: Way to go Britt!

**Brittany Pierce**: Yay! Will my cat finally let me into Mew-Lon Rouge? She strips there every Friday.

**Noah "Puck" Puckerman**: And she's back.

**Sam Evans** likes this.

**Blaine Anderson**: Well to answer your question Brittany: no. He deleted me as a friend.

**Rachel Berry**: Listen up everyone! We are not, repeat not, going to let a stupid, ignorant, good-for-nothing scumbag ruin this wonderful bond that Kurt and Blaine have! Operation Éclair is far from failed, ladies and gentleman! It has just begun!

**David Montgomery**: Thank you Berry. You've just given me the plan of the ages…

**Blaine Anderson** and **Wes Walker** like this.

* * *

><p><strong>Kurt Hummel<strong>: J**esse St. James** is kind of hot.

**Jesse St. James** likes this.

**Jesse St. James**: If only loving a post was an option…

**Kurt Hummel**: Conceited much?

**Jesse St. James**: Just makes me even sexier.

**Kurt Hummel**: …screw you.

**Jesse St. James** likes this.

* * *

><p><strong>Blaine Anderson<strong>: Not understanding what makes St. James so sexy.

**Rachel Berry **and 87 others like this.

**Finn Hudson**: You should hear them when they're alone…

**David Montgomery**: How bad?

**Finn Hudson**: They keep singing Broadway stuff together…

**Rachel Berry**: When I was over they kept doing Spring Awakening stuff over and over. It was so awkward.

**Blaine Anderson**: I'm screwed. :(

**Brittany Pierce**: Slotted or Phillips?

**Santana Lopez**: Well, this is all your fault for breaking up with him.

**Tina Cohen-Chang**: Santana!

**Santana Lopez:** It is! What'd you say again, that he was "too good for you"?

**Mercedes Jones**: Watch it girl…

**Blaine Anderson**: No, she's right Mercedes. I broke up with Kurt because I thought he didn't need a boyfriend and just a friend/mentor/whatever. I thought we should just be friends. But now I realize that even if he doesn't need a boyfriend, I need him.

**Mike Chang**: God, you guys really need to just get together again.

**Wes Walker**, **Thad Carmichael** and 157 others like this.

* * *

><p><strong>Finn Hudson<strong> to **Jesse St. James**: Wait… weren't you a senior last year?

**Rachel Berry**: Stop fraternizing!

**Jesse St. James**: Yes.

**Finn Hudson**: But, how are you still in Vocal Accordion if you graduated?

**Rachel Berry**: Finn, he could coax the setlist out of you!

**Jesse St. James**: One: It's Vocal Adrenaline. And two: I failed last year so I had to repeat my senior year.

**Rachel Berry**: Don't do it Finn! I'll never forgive you!

**Finn Hudson**: Wait… did they flunk you on purpose?

**Rachel Berry**: I'll never speak to you again Finn Hudson!

**Jesse St. James**: No. There is no way I was failed on purpose. The reason I failed was most certainly not related to the fact that without me Vocal Adrenaline is just a bunch of soulless losers. And it absolutely has nothing to do with the fact I win competitions with my hair alone.

**Kurt Hummel** likes this.

**Finn Hudson**: Oh, okay. Cool.

**Rachel Berry**: Why is everyone ignoring me?

**Quinn Fabray**, **Santana Lopez** and 74 others like this.

* * *

><p><strong>Blaine Anderson<strong>: An overly-cocky fraud whose only redeemable quality is nice hair. Yes, Kurt Hummel, you sure do know how to pick 'em.

**Rachel Berry**,** Mike Chang**, **Sam Evans** and 167 people like this.

**Brittany Pierce**: Jesse isn't a fraud, he's a fuzzy orange elephant!

**Artie Abram**s: Totally agree man. He's annoying as shit.

**Finn Hudson**: Wait, how is he a fraud? What is a fraud?

**Quinn Fabray**: They just held him back randomly, even though he was a fairly good student according to Mr. Schue. Think about that Finn. Does that make any sense to you?

**Finn Hudson**: Uh, yeah?

**Rachel Berry**: My boyfriend's gone to the dark side!

**Santana Lopez**: Oh look, no one cares.

**Lauren Zizies** and 67 others like this.

**Finn Hudson**: Hold on. You're saying that he was held back just to lead Vocal Medicine?

**Mike Chang**: Vocal Adrenaline and yeah.

**Wes Walker**: It makes sense, you know.

**David Montgomery**: If it makes sense to Wes, you know it's blatantly obvious.

**Blaine Anderson**, **Thad Carmicheal**, **Flint Marshall** and 84 others like this.

**Wes Walker**: Thanks bitches.

**Finn Hudson**: Oh my god!

**Sam Evans**: What?

**Finn Hudson**: Jesse was only held behind so he could stay in their Glee club!

**Noah "Puck" Puckerman**: Holy shit Finn. You're a fucking genius.

**Brittany Pierce** and 95 others like this.

* * *

><p><strong>Jesse St. James<strong>: Who do you have to fuck to get a break in this town! –The Producers

**Kurt Hummel**: Me.

**Jesse St. James**: My house. ======D 0:

**Finn Hudson**: HOW IS YOUR DAD NOT KILLING YOU FOR THIS?

**Kurt Hummel**: Better than you. :p -o

* * *

><p><strong>Santana Lopez<strong>: Look. I love when men get wanky, but those two are too damn much.

**Blaine Anderson** likes this.

**Rachel Berry**: Kurt and Jesse's relationship is just entirely inappropriate and all about the physicality, not the mentality. I don't see how any responsible adult isn't stopping this behavior.

**Finn Hudson**: I know! My mom gets mad if I just say sex on Facebook!

**Carole Hudson**: Finn Hudson! That language is atrocious! Go wash your filthy mouth out!

**Artie Abrams**, **Tina-Cohen Chang** and 10 others like this.

**Finn Hudson**: See?

**David Montgomery**: Screw it all, package it, and send it to hell, it's time.

**Blaine Anderson**: We're doing it?

**Wes Walker**: Hell yeah.

**Blaine Anderson**: Here we go…

* * *

><p><strong>Wes Walker<strong>: All systems ago!

**David Montgomery**: Roger that. The Peacock is heading for the Blackbird. Repeat the Peacock is heading for the Blackbird.

**Flint Marshall**: Godspeed, Anderson. You have our blessing.

**Nick Blunt**: You also have Katy Perry's blessing. And Neon Trees'. And Hey Monday's. And whoever wrote Baby It's Cold Outside's.

204 people like this.

* * *

><p><strong>Blaine Anderson<strong> to **Kurt Hummel**: We need to talk.

**Kurt Hummel**: …

**Blaine Anderson**: Coffee?

**Kurt Hummel**: …

**Blaine Anderson**: I'll buy your grande non-fat mocha…

**Kurt Hummel**: Fine. See you in five.

* * *

><p><strong>Blaine Anderson<strong> and **Kurt Hummel** are now friends.

Rachel Berry, Mercedes Jones, Blaine Anderson and 396 others like this.

**Artie Abrams**: ^Again.

**Kurt Hummel**: Seriously.

**Santana Lopez**: Yeah.

103 people like this.

**Kurt Hummel**: The people I deal with.

**Blaine Anderson**: *The people we deal with.

**Kurt Hummel**: Touche.

**David Montgomery**, **Wes Walker** and 93 others like this.

* * *

><p><strong>Jesse St. James<strong> to **Kurt Hummel**: Who's Blaine Anderson?

**Kurt Hummel**: Texting you now.

**Blaine Anderson**: Damn, I was so going to repost your response.

**Kurt Hummel**: Sucks for you. :p

* * *

><p><strong>Jesse St. James<strong> and **Blaine Anderson** are now friends.

**Kurt Hummel**: That's not awkward at all…

**Blaine Anderson**: His hair made me do it.

**Rachel Berry** likes this.

* * *

><p><strong>Santana Lopez<strong> to **Kurt Hummel**: If there's ever a threesome between you, Jesse, and Blaine… let's make it four. ;)

**Kurt Hummel**: Okay.

**Blaine Anderson** and 145 others like this.

**Brittany Pierce**: Can we make it seven? My cat and I would like to join.

**Jesse St. James**: That's only six.

**Brittany Pierce**: Yeah?

**Jesse St. James**: But you… never mind.

**Brittany Pierce**: Tee hee.

* * *

><p><strong>Blaine Anderson<strong> reblogged a video, "The Cheerios Perform 4 Minutes, featuring the vocal talents of Kurt Hummel and Mercedes Jones".

**Blaine Anderson**: Courtesy of Santana Lopez.

**Kurt Hummel**: This. Was. Recorded. What. Even.

**Santana Lopez**: As was the fourteen and a half minute Celine Dion medley in French.

**Mercedes Jones**: Oh shut up Kurt. You were fantastic.

**Wes Walker**: I like the part where you close your eyes and make a sexual grunt.

**David Montgomery**, **Brittany Pierce** and 54 others like this.

**Jesse St. James**: So turned on right now.

**Noah "Puck" Puckerman**: No one cares, bitch.

**Santana Lopez** and 45 others like this.

**Kurt Hummel**: Blaine, take this down!

**Blaine Anderson**: Yeah, no.

**Santana Lopez**: May I suggest blackmail?

**Blaine Anderson**: Yes you may. Kurt, come to dinner with me tonight and I'll take this down.

**Kurt Hummel**: Fine. But I'm not dressing up.

**Blaine Anderson**: You'll look fine anyway. :D

* * *

><p><strong>Kurt Hummel<strong>: Had a surprisingly nice time with Blaine Anderson.

**Mercedes Jones**, **Tina Cohen-Chang** and 267 others like this.

**Blaine Anderson**: Told you.

**Kurt Hummel**: Oh hush you.

* * *

><p><strong>Jesse St. James<strong>: Word of Your Body? Best song ever.

**Blaine Anderson**: I prefer Candles. Just saying.

**David Montgomery**, **Flint Marshall** and 76 others like this.

**Jesse St. James**: To each his own.

**Kurt Hummel**: Gonna have to go with Don't Cry For Me Argentina here. Sorry guys.

**Rachel Berry** likes this.

**Santana Lopez**: Yeah Kurt, play the fields.

**Kurt Hummel**: What?

**Santana Lopez**: Oh, you know what I mean.

**Kurt Hummel**: No I really don't…

**Santana Lopez**: Whatever you say…

* * *

><p><strong>Blaine Anderson<strong> to **Kurt Hummel**: Annie Get Your Gun.

**Kurt Hummel**: Billy Elliot.

**Blaine Anderson**: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

**Kurt Hummel**: Dreamgirls.

**Blaine Anderson**: Elf.

**Kurt Hummel**: Fiddler on the Roof.

**Blaine Anderson**: Grease.

**Kurt Hummel**: Hair.

**Blaine Anderson**: Into The Woods.

**Kurt Hummel**: Jekyll and Hyde.

**Blaine Anderson**: Kiss Me Kate.

**Kurt Hummel**: Les Miserables.

**Blaine Anderson**: Mamma Mia.

**Kurt Hummel**: Next to Normal.

**Blaine Anderson**: Once Upon a Mattress.

**Kurt Hummel**: Phantom of the Opera.

**Blaine Anderson**: Rocky Horror Picture Show.

**Finn Hudson**, **Tina Cohen-Chang**, **Artie Abrams** and 69 others like this.

**Kurt Hummel**: Sweeny Todd.

**Blaine Anderson**: Thoroughly Modern Millie.

**Kurt Hummel**: Urinetown.

**Blaine Anderson**: Victor/Victoria.

**Rachel Berry**: West Side Story!

**Kurt Hummel**: Wicked. (Ignore her.)

**Blaine Anderson**: Xanadu. (Okay.)

**Kurt Hummel**: Young Frankenstein.

**Blaine Anderson**: Zorba.

**Rachel Berry**: Hmph.

* * *

><p><strong>Kurt Hummel<strong>: This is the moment…

**Rachel Berry**: This is the day!

**Kurt Hummel**: No. Sorry.

**Mercedes Jones** and 51 others like this.

**Jesse St. James**: So are you about to turn into an evil version of yourself or what?

**Brittany Pierce** likes this.

**Santana Lopez**: No Britt. We do not like the devil's posts.

**Finn Hudson**, **Mike Chang**, **Noah "Puck" Puckerman** and 143 others like this.

**Brittany Pierce**: Oh, sorry. :p

**Jesse St. James**: Wow guys. Wow.

**Mercedes Jones**: So what are you doing baby?

**Kurt Hummel**: Just kidnapping Blaine. No big deal.

**Blaine Anderson**: Wait, what?

**Blaine Anderson**: Are you at my door?

**Blaine Anderson**: What the hell are you doing?

**Blaine Anderson**: bcg67ugewgsoirgjniwogljmi54

**Lauren Zizies**: Imma speak for everyone here: what the fuck?

**Finn Hudson**: I don't know…

* * *

><p><strong>David Montgomery<strong> to **Mercedes Jones**: Have you seen Kurt or Blaine anywhere?

**Mercedes Jones**: Uh, no. Why?

**David Montgomery**: 'Cause Warbler practice starts in fifteen minutes and if they're not here, Wes might actually pound their heads in with his gavel.

**Mercedes Jones**: Well… shit.

* * *

><p><strong>Wes Walker<strong>: If **Blaine Anderson** or **Kurt Hummel** read this: know that I am watching. If you are one second late to rehearsal, you are both dead. Don't worry: I have already made arrangements for your funerals. Your mothers send their regards.

**Thad Carmichael** likes this.

**David Montgomery**: The fuck, Thad?

**Thad Carmichael**: What? It's a hilarious post.

**David Montgomery**: And I thought you were going to help me chill Wes out. Guess not.

**Flint Marshall**: Way to go.

**Jeff Blunt**: Dude, that's like, so not cool.

**Nick Ashton**: Thad, you're such a douche.

**Trent Phillips**: Stop this madness!

**David Montgomery**: Thanks for the backup guys.

**Thad Carmichael**: All I did was like a post…

**David Montgomery**: All you did. All you did was like a post. Did you know that by liking a post you could kill someone? Just like that. One little bitty post. Barely a few words. Hardly a sentence. Shit like that can change the world Thad Andrew Carmichael. What would happen if you killed someone through a Facebook post. Through fucking Facebook. How would you feel? How would you explain to the guy's parents? What would you say at the victim's funeral? What would you think as you rot away in jail? What would be the last words on your dying lips? What would you scream when you burn in hell? Don't take shit lightly Thad. I sure as hell don't.

**Nick Ashton**, **Jeff Blunt**, **Flint Marshall** and 573 others like this.

**Thad Carmichael**: I'm pretty sure I just pissed in my pants.

* * *

><p><strong>Wes Walker<strong>: You're good **Kurt Hummel** and **Blaine Anderson**. But I'll get you my pretties. And your little dog too!

**Sam Evans**: O.o where did this come from?

**Kurt Hummel**: The fact that Blaine and I showed up to rehearsal approximately 4.21 seconds before it started.

**David Montgomery**, **Finn Hudson** and 216 others like this.

**Blaine Anderson**: Aw yeah.

**Flint Marshall**: Where were you guys though?

**Kurt Hummel**: None of your business.

**Blaine Anderson**: Wonderland.

**Noah "Puck" Puckerman**, **Tina Cohen-Chang**, **Brittany Pierce** and 96 others like this.

**Brittany Pierce**: Tell the White Rabbit that I don't mean to stalk him and ask the Red Queen to stop chopping off my cat's head. She only has nine lives you know.

**Santana Lopez**: So… damn… erotic.

**Jeff Blunt**, **Nick Ashton** and 74 others like this.

* * *

><p><strong>Kurt Hummel<strong>: It's official. I am the master of Black Ops. Mmkay?

**Artie Abrams** and 34 others like this.

**Blaine Anderson**: This I must see.

**Finn Hudson**: No dude, you don't understand. He's a beast. It's not even legit.

**Noah "Puck" Puckerman**: And he starts singing. Just out of nowhere he starts freaking singing and makes you lose focus. And then he destroys you.

**Brittany Pierce**: I bought my cat some Black Ops yesterday. Her digestive system's been crazy.

**Blaine Anderson**: I'm on my way now.

**Kurt Hummel**: Bitch you're going down.

* * *

><p><strong>Blaine Anderson<strong>: Just got my ass kicked by Kurt Hummel.

**Kurt Hummel** and 56 others like this.

**Kurt Hummel**: I know, I know.

**Blaine Anderson**: It was seriously annoying when you wouldn't stop belting Alejandro at the top of your lungs though.

**Kurt Hummel**: Don't judge me.

**Kurt Hummel**: Cuz I'm on the right track baby, I WAS BORN THIS WAY!

**Mercedes Jones**, **Quinn Fabray** and 42 others like this.

**Finn Hudson**: No more, please…

**Noah "Puck" Puckerman,** **Sam Evans** and 30 others like this.

**Kurt Hummel**: Heh heh heh...

* * *

><p><strong>Finn Hudson<strong> to **Jesse St. James**: Aren't you worried Kurt and Blaine are hooking up behind your back?

**Blaine Anderson** and 60 others like this.

**Kurt Hummel**: I resent that.

**Jesse St. James**: No. I trust Kurt. He wouldn't do that to me.

**Santana Lopez**: I can't wait 'til you guys break up.

**Wes Walker** and 221 people like this.

**Jesse St. James**: Uh… thanks? I guess?

* * *

><p><strong>Blaine Anderson<strong>: If I could write you a song to make you fall in love, I would already have you up under my arm.

**Wes Walker**: What's this? **David Montgomery**, did you know that Blaine writes his own songs?

**David Montgomery**: No, **Wes Walker**, I had absolutely no idea.

**Wes Walker**: Huh. Isn't that something?

**David Montgomery**: Don't you wonder if **Kurt Hummel** knows this information too?

**Wes Walker**: Well I plum forgot about our dear friend **Kurt Hummel**! I do wonder if he knows this…

**Kurt Hummel**: Kurt Hummel did not know that information actually but thanks **Wes Walker** and** David Montgomery** fervently for this enlightenment.

**Blaine Anderson**: Maybe **Kurt Hummel** could come by Blaine Anderson's dorm sometime and listen to a song he wrote.

**Kurt Hummel**: Oh isn't that funny. Kurt Hummel is already heading towards **Blaine Anderson**'s house now.

**Blaine Anderson**: That is simply loverly.

**Tina Cohen-Chang** and 28 others like this.

* * *

><p><strong>Kurt Hummel<strong>: Is in honestly and most definitely in love.

**Sam Evans**: With St. James? He seems like such a bitch.

**Rachel Berry**, **Lauren Zizies** and 45 others like this.

**Mercedes Jones**: Sweetie, I don't think he's right for you.

**Quinn Fabray**: You and Jesse just don't… fit.

**Wes Walker**: How little you all know.

**David Montgomery**: How do we know who the boy's speaking of?

**Flint Marshall**: I mean, a certain dapper young gentleman did sweep him off his feet with an original song called "Not Alone" tonight.

**Blaine Anderson**, **Jeff Blunt** and 61 others like this.

**Jesse St. James**: ROFLMFAO.

**Kurt Hummel** likes this.

**Finn Hudson**: WTF.

**Carole Hudson**: Finn, I was just informed me that that is an abbreviation for a curse word. You are most certainly grounded.

**Carole Hudson**: Oh, and I'm so happy for you Kurt, dear.

**Kurt Hummel**: Thanks Carole. :)

**Tina Cohen-Chang**: Am I the only one who is seriously confused right now?

**Artie Abrams**: Nope.

**Santana Lopez**: Definitely not.

**Mercedes Jones**: Hell naw.

**Quinn Fabray**: No.

**Noah "Puck" Puckerman**: Yeah, no.

**Brittany Pierce**: It makes sense to me :D

* * *

><p><strong>Jesse St. James<strong>: Got a secret can ya keep it?

**Kurt Hummel**: Swear this one you'll save!

**Jesse St. James**: Better lock it in your pocket,

**Kurt Humme**l: Taking this one to the grave!

**Jesse St. James**: If I show you-

**Kurt Hummel**: Then I know you-

**Jesse St. James**: Won't tell what I said!

**Kurt Hummel**: Cause two can keep a secret if one of them is DEAD.

**Jesse St. James**: God we're bastards.

**Kurt Hummel**: It feels good.

* * *

><p><strong>Mercedes Jones<strong> to **Kurt Hummel**: Boo, you better get your tight white ass over to my house this second and update me!

* * *

><p><strong>Rachel Berry<strong> to** Kurt Hummel**: I'd like you to know that you are being more of a tease than the Pharaoh's wife in Joseph.

* * *

><p><strong>Finn Hudson<strong> to **Kurt Hummel**: Bro? What's going on?

* * *

><p><strong>Quinn Fabray<strong> to **Kurt Hummel**: I hope you're going to inform me this second of… whatever this is.

* * *

><p><strong>Tina Cohen-Chang<strong> to **Kurt Hummel**: Kurt, you're seriously scaring us.

* * *

><p><strong>Artie Abrams<strong> to **Kurt Hummel**: Dude. What. The. Actual. Fuck.

* * *

><p><strong>Mike Chang<strong> to Kurt Hummel: I'm Asian. I'm supposed to know everything. I don't like being confused and neither do my abs.

* * *

><p><strong>Noah "Puck" Puckerman<strong> to **Kurt Hummel**: I would be a badass right now and would make some awesome joke, but I'm too damn confused.

* * *

><p><strong>Brittany Pierce<strong> to **Kurt Hummel**: Don't worry Mr. Pierce- the flood is over and I will be returning your two dolphins to your ark ASAP.

* * *

><p><strong>Santana Lopez<strong> to **Kurt Hummel**: You're such a dickface.

* * *

><p><strong>Sam Evans<strong> to **Kurt Hummel**: Um, what?

* * *

><p><strong>Lauren Zizies<strong> to **Kurt Hummel**: I don't really care who you're dating. Just hope you're getting some.

* * *

><p><strong>David Montgomery<strong> to **Kurt Hummel**: Wait. I thought I knew what was happening. And now I don't. Tell me.

* * *

><p><strong>Wes Walker<strong> to **Kurt Hummel**: PLEASE. IT'S TOO DAMN DEGRASSI.

* * *

><p><strong>Blaine Anderson<strong> to **Kurt Hummel**: So, wanna meet up?

**Kurt Hummel**: I would love to.

**Mercedes Jones**: WTF.

**Finn Hudson**, **Rachel Berry**, **Santana Lopez** and 59 others like this.

**Blaine Anderson**: The usual?

**Kurt Hummel**: That'd be lovely.

**Santana Lopez**: Was I just ignored for Shorty McDapperPants?

**Wes Walker**, **Nick Ashton** and 70 others like this.

**Blaine Anderson**: See you in a few then.

**Kurt Hummel**: Alrighty.

**Quinn Fabray**: …he's so going to tell Blaine everything.

**Kurt Hummel**: Yup.

**Noah "Puck" Puckerman**: Fuck you Kurt.

**Sam Evans**,** Flint Marshall**, **Lauren Zizies** and 267 others like this.

* * *

><p><strong>Blaine Anderson<strong>: That. Makes so much. Sense.

**Rachel Berry**: I demand you to tell me!

**Sam Evans**: Please I can't take it! Quinn won't make out with me anymore cause she's too busy wondering what Kurt's hiding!

**Mercedes Jones**: Boy, you better tell me. Now.

**Finn Hudson**: I'm his brother. I have a right to know. I think.

**Santana Lopez**: There is too much sexual tension even for me right now.

* * *

><p><strong>Kurt Hummel<strong>: New Fucking Directions and Warblers I talk to: chill your asses out. I'm texting/calling you guys now.

**Rachel Berry**: I'm waiting!

**Kurt Hummel**: Just for that, you're the last person I'm talking to.

**Brittany Pierce**, **Santana Lopez**, **David Montgomery** and 64 others like this.

* * *

><p><strong>Finn Hudson<strong>: Kurt told me. And I still don't get it.

**Kurt Hummel**: Oh Finn.

**Rachel Berry**: I'm still waiting!

**Kurt Hummel**: Just shut up already.

* * *

><p><strong>Quinn Fabray<strong>: For those of you who are still confused (cough **Finn Hudson**, **Brittany Pierce** and **Sam Evans** cough) this is what happened. Blaine and Kurt broke up. Before Blaine could even realize the mistake he'd made, Kurt had come up with a genius plan. He hired Jesse to pose as his boyfriend to make Blaine jealous. So Operation Éclair was really a no go guys. Klaine never really went away.

**Burt Hummel**: So, this means you and Blaine are back together Kurt?

**Kurt Hummel**: Sure does Dad.

**Blaine Anderson** and 83 others like this.

**Finn Hudson**: Wait, Burt? You knew about this?

**Carole Hudson**: Of course sweetie. You didn't really think we'd let Kurt say all those raunchy things without punishment, did you?

**Finn Hudso**n: Uh no. Why would you think that?

**Jesse St. James**: Hummel, you owe me fifty bucks.

**Kurt Hummel**: Yeah, I'll mail it to you. When I'm done making out with my boyfriend.

**Lauren Zizies**, **Santana Lopez** and 65 others like this.

**Rachel Berry**: So I really haven't dated two gay men!

**Kurt Hummel**: No. Jesse is actually gay. That part was true.

**Jesse St. James**: By the way, thanks for chickening out of sex Rachel. It would have been really awkward.

**Santana Lopez**: LMFAO.

**Finn Hudson**: WHAT.

**Rachel Berry**: Er, everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie Finn! Don't believe him!

**Finn Hudson**: Oh right. Okay.

**Wes Walker**: David is doing a jig with joy right now.

**David Montgomery**: You're the one crying!

**Wes Walker**: Am not!

**David Montgomery**: Are too!

**Wes Walker**: Am not!

**David Montgomery**: Are too!

**Blaine Anderson**: Guys, chill. The important thing is Kurt and I are back together. And I'm never letting him go again.

**Kurt Hummel**: I will honestly put you on a leash if you try to stray.

**Blaine Anderson**: Fine by me. ;)

**Santana Lopez**: Wanky.

**Brittany Pierce**: You have my blessing as the goddess of Brittany Spears and pillows.

**Kurt Hummel**: Good to know…

**Carole Hudson**: Oh and Kurt? Burt's gone out fishing, so if you and Blaine want to come over, I'm sure I could run out shopping or something.

**Kurt Hummel**: Why thank you Carole. That would be marvelous.

**Finn Hudson**: So not fair.

**Blaine Anderson**: That's just the way the cookie crumbles.

**Finn Hudson**: Wait, Blaine. I kind of have to give you the brother speech again. So don't hurt Kurt again or you'll have one guy ready to kill you.

**Mike Chang**: Make that two.

**Noah "Puck" Puckerman**: Three.

**Artie Abrams**: Four.

**Sam Evans**: Six.

**Kurt Hummel**: Aw, guys.

**Blaine Anderson**: Don't worry. I'm never letting him go.

**Kurt Hummel**: Now about that empty house…

* * *

><p><strong>Kurt Hummel<strong> and **Blaine Anderson** are married.

657 people like this.

**Artie Abrams**: ^ Again.

**Kurt Hummel**: Artie, can it or I will steal your girlfriend.

**Santana Lopez**: GET SOME!

**Blaine Anderson**, **Brittany Pierce**, **Mercedes Jones** and 324 people like this.

* * *

><p><strong>Again, my fingers...<strong>

**But oh well. This is my record lovelies! 27 word pages. And on the Born This Way episode preview? I cried. I bawled like a baby. Because Kurt Hummel is back at McKinley. And I love that guys, I really wanted him to go back. But here's the problem:**

**I'm afraid there will be no more Warblers.**

**Obviously, Darren Criss will stick around because he's signed on for the third season. But they just made a Warbler album. And the Warblers aren't going to Nationals. And Jesse St. James is coming back. So...**

**Anyway, review please. Constructive criticism is welcome. And remember: I meant what I said and I said what I meant: a one-shot's a one-shot with no sequel intent.**


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